On Wednesdays we wear pink aka thoughts about dating.

Background music - I Fall In Love Too Easily

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Saturdays are for self-care.

For me, it's either social self-care, like chilling with friends at dinner, or just skincare to the max.

Today is a skincare kind of day. Am fresh out the shower, did a hair mask, face mask, am all lotion-ed up and am currently eating dinner at 11pm. Life is perfect.

It's been a very interesting week, to say the very least. Lots of fun times, lots of awkward times and best of all, lots of memorable times.

What I really wanted to talk about today is the meeting new people/dating life situations.

It already seems extraordinarily daunting to write.

So, let me just start by confessing that it's almost been a week since my first ever tinder date.

It's probably an enormous assumption to state that I thought it actually went quite well???

Since then, I noticed that I've started doing a few things…

Critically evaluating my life

Basically, evaluating what it looks like from another perspective.

I am constantly judging what I'm doing and thinking like, oh yeah this is pretty cool, I actually do stuff with friends, I'm doing something interesting.

It's so weird.

But then, on the other hand, I wouldn’t be judging so hard and just living life without giving myself headaches every day from overthinking...

This is when I start doubting my mental capacity for new friendships, and why I think that maybe I can't handle relationships/new friends - it's so hard.

Actually bettering myself

Alright, it's not like I've started doing all these things this week like working out almost every day; refraining from excessive snacking; skincare etc. FOR anyone. I'm doing it for myself. But just thinking about another person possibly being in a relationship frame of my life just makes me want to look and feel good about myself. Also, at this moment, I feel a lot better in my self-esteem and self-worth.

I honestly don’t think I'll stop doing all these great things for me if relationships don't work out. It's just that (I'm not even sure how to say it) I guess it's kind of like a source of motivation?

So if I keep working on my own fitness, skincare, confidence goals, I will be more worthy? And I will achieve something for myself, and maybe I might have a relationship?

Now that I write it out, it does seem a bit suss, like I'm doing it for someone.

Maybe my brain is subliminally messaging me about my atrociously low motivation and self-esteem levels, so I need to save face somehow. And this is how.

Yup, that is pretty much it.

On the one hand, I think like why am I wasting my brainpower on overthinking, thinking about when to open snapchats as to not seem clingy, what to reply with to seem interested and interesting at the same time? And what do I care what this stranger thinks of what I do, who I am and what I look like?

But, then I think again, and it's like, do I have anything better to do? That’s very literally how I justify my overthinking tendencies.

And to be honest, I'm not wrong, since there's nothing much else going on in my life right now as work has been slow and I've been avoiding all possible uni work to catch up on.

Eh.

Feeling so sleepy since last night was a long and fun night, chatting about horror movies, long-term relationships and boy troubles until 3am with friends.

This has officially turned into a diary entry. Well then, thanks for reading and good night xx