Study [overthink] with me on a random Tuesday

hhhhhhh

If you aren’t interested in reading a long and boring rambling of a bored person, please scroll past...

Well, we can all say I am officially addicted to coffee. It doesn't give me a kick in energy or jitters, I just drink it because. BECAUSE I CAN.

Let me paint you a picture - me stuck at uni from 10-6pm on a Tuesday with nothing really to study. At 10 I have a business law lecture (which is actually very interesting) then an accounting tutorial from 2 to 4 (which isn't assessable thank gosh) and then a 5-6pm law tutorial (assessable but is actually interesting bc the tutor is actually helpful).

I have currently relocated from the lakeside café to the library after finishing some über exciting capital expenditure proposal decision making lecture study. Absolutely captivating stuff. *obviously sarcasm* Now I can't really move from my desk because of my deepest fear that someone will steal my laptop or something (which is a genuine concern of mine).

I'm forcing myself to write up lecture summaries to keep my brain occupied because there's absolutely nothing else to do in the time between my lecture and the tute.

I actually feel like I'm going crazy every Tuesday. Yes I could go to my accounting tute, but the passion with which I HATE accounting isn't likely to motivate me to go. I hate it with a passion!!!! And it's weird since I am quite an orderly and sometimes obsessively neat person in life that loves to organise things into categories. But it’s just something about the combination of maths plus theoretical concepts (of which there are SOOOO many) plus wayyy too many same but different ways of calculating stuff which seems excruciatingly boring and such a waste of time to me. I can't begin to imagine how people work in this profession, but hey, if it's something they love doing and is a passion -sure - I can respect that.

Basically I'm stewing in my own thoughts for the whole day.

Almost 3pm, so I guess I’ll go get some lunch, or not, since I really can’t be bothered to so I'll snack on my delicious muesli bar.

~~~

I guess today is the day I will say it.

Double degrees suck.

~~~

You may ask "well then why did you choose to do it?".

And to that, I tell you that I was none the wiser. Today I will explain my experience of 3 years with my double degree.

In essence, I chose a double degree because I was indecisive.

I've been indecisive my whole life, no surprise. Since about grade 5, I was heavily invested in dance and ballet and although I was seriously considering a future in dance at one point, I quit it in grade 10 I and truly thought I was going to do science in uni. Well, then comes grade 12 and after doing two years of chemistry and physics, there I was - avoiding science degrees like the plague. What is there left to do when you've quit a hobby and potential career prospect that you've been dedicating pretty much your whole physical and mental state and 15 hours a week to?

Me at 14 and a half years old tried to pick up tennis again from when I finished it at 6 years old, then pretended to get better at music and the saxophone. However, even at that measly, naïve age I lowkey gave up.

And you know what, sometimes when I think back to how I threw in the towel at ballet, I kinda sorta a little bit regret it. And that's unfortunate because the thing is I wasn't stunning or gifted the perfect physique for at it like some people are. It was just all I had ever known.

Anyways, back to the double degree bit.

Where is that promised huuuge circle of uni friends, which I can just text and meet up at uni when we’re all free after class, to stay late at uni studying away and quizzing each other on lecture content, or going out to shop or dinner together, or go out weekly to bars and clubs? Isn't that what uni is like?

Don't look at me: I'm just guessing.

When you're on your lonesome and doing a degree in which you pick and choose different combinations of subjects, how do you make friends that last more than a semester? Since the next semester, you pick an entirely different set of courses to make them all fit smoothly over your 4 and a bit years of study.

Don’t tell me it's my fault for lack of socialising because I KNOW it is. But the double degree factors contribute quite heavily, you have to agree with me on that one. Perhaps some people thrive in this kind of social environment, flitting from person to person, group to group each semester. But not me.

Basically I've been doing this degree by my lonesome and it's hecking boring. I'm so bored of it I can't distinguish whether I'm actually interested in the subjects or just going through the motions to get ---- wait to get where? Who do I want to work as again? Oh that's right. I don't know.

Well, at least something I've kind of decided on is that I want to change from international relations to something else in my arts degree.

I roughly calculated that I would have to graduate in 2022, and sure, I'm still a year younger than the regular uni student but it seems ages away. Don't I want to get out of this double degree of torture as fast as I can? So then I shouldn't change majors? Or I should because it's super uninteresting? Or am I just being annoyingly picky? But shouldn't I take advantage of the almost limitless opportunities I have and study something I'm genuinely interested in? Even though my interests change more frequently than the times our prime ministers do? Wait up, so what do I want to do again? Heck, I still don't know.

The stock standard answer I spit out when asked the question, "so what do you want to do with your degree? What are you planning to do when you graduate?" is...

Me: "well, *bats eyelashes* I don't know, haven't decided yet, but you know, a double degree gives you so many opportunities, and with business you can work, like, anywhere so yeah".

What we get from this spiel is that I'm a mess.

Also note to past self, future self, whoever: it’s all fun and games typing my thoughts into this blog, but it seems so selfish doesn't it? As if someone other than me is interested in the minute details of my average and somewhat uneventful life. This is where I'm stuck on at the moment - how do I create, contribute to something that is bigger than me, that can impact more people and the world in a positive way? I'm stuck in an endless loop of 'What can I do? What should I be doing? I'm not contributing in any meaningful way at all'.

This is a CONSTANT cycle that repeats itself in my head hourly. I'm not joking.

So yeah, sure this is a creative outlet but what can I do that impacts someone more than just me?

I'm shouting into the void that is the internet and wanting to make some sort of ripple, but with my overthinking tendencies, I'm finding it impossible.

If anyone out there in the void that I'm posting this to has any thoughts or comments, I'm all ears!

That's all folks. Mercifully, the end of this ridiculous post has come.

In hindsight, I have way too much time on my hands. Send help. aha